Draco Malfoy's Journal
by Betty More Fishe
Summary: After the war, Draco's mother fources him to keep a jornal to save himself from himself.  I'm going to try and write this totally from Draco's perspective. I hope you can guesse what's going to happen!
1. Chapter 1

Dear Journal

Let the record show that I abhor the very thought of writing my thoughts down in a wretched book, its practically begging for someone to read it and condemn you. Alas my mother is a very vindictive woman, and in her quest to 'save' her only son, she has decided that I need to write in a journal, so I can be saved from even my own dark thoughts. At first I had refused her request, I even burned the first two journals she gave me, but the woman is more cunning than even I suspected, blackmailing me she threatened to 'accidentally' reveal my secret to the whole school. If it was anyone else I might have doubted the validity of that statement, and for a moment I almost did, but I know my mother, and she would put Salazar Slytherin to shame she is so cunning and often cruel if it serves her purpose. She's the true head of the Malfoy family, my father, and now I, are nothing but figureheads for her rein. Obviously I relented to her demands, for I am writing within this atrocity, but I had a few stipulations of my own. I've set up so many charms on this book, that no Slytherin shall ever be able to read it, for I know they are all planning to try. They are watching me write in it now with greedy eyes, they want to know my secrets, but I shall deny them that privilege. Let them try.

With Resentment

Sincerely

Draconis Lucius Malfoy, head of the noble house of Malfoy


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Journal

I have been avoiding writing in this atrocity for nearly a week, a week in which both my mother and Severus have continually pressed me to write in it daily. They think I'm unstable, they think I'm going to break down, because I haven't shown any emotion since the war ended, since the Dark Lord died. I ignored their pleas until my mother started making demands and again threatened to reveal my secret to the whole school. I have many secrets I want no one to know but this one is by far my most coveted secret. So I compromised, and promised to write in this atrocity at least once a week, my mother's stipulation being that I must put down my actual emotions, my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if she would have been better off in Huphelpuff, if only for her believe that we all have emotions.

So what are my feelings? I don't know.

During the war I was in such a constant vortex of overwhelming emotions that somehow I managed to just turn everything off. I could afford to feel, so I just stopped, I turned it off like a switch. Only now I don't know if I can ever turn them back on, even if I wanted to. This would not have been a problem if my father was still… alive, still the head of the Malfoy family, but since I'm still in school my mother is currently the controller of the Malfoy fortune, and will be until I receive my N.E.. It might not have even been a problem now, if my mother hadn't seen my face, if she hadn't looked up at my blank expression as she cradled my father's broken and dead body with her bloody hands.

Apparently it's not natural, according to my mother and Severus, to be able to just turn off your emotions. They both think that I'm lying when I say that I don't feel anything, they think I'm just repressing my emotions but they don't know… they don't understand what it was like for me. If it had just been the fear, the pain, the negative emotions, I would have kept them, I wouldn't have turned them off, but… there were other emotions too, not just negative ones. Not even my mother knows this secret, I am about to tell.

Before the war it was like I was a starving man, who hadn't had a drop to drink in days and hadn't had any food in even longer. I was weak and on the brink of death, and they put him in front of me. He was a cool glass of water and a steak dinner, and he was right there. If I lifted my tired arm I could have touch him, but I couldn't have him, couldn't bridge that tiny gap separating us. Life was a cold and cruel bitch, and I think I might have killed her mother, for why else would I have been forced to live like that for so long.

I was terrified of failure, terrified of what would happen should I have succeeded, I wanted nothing more than to just fling myself off the astronomy tower and let my body break when it reached the bottom. I was so tired, couldn't get even an hour of rest the nightmares were so wretched, and I knew even my cunning mother could not find a way to escape the Malfoy dungeons. The Dark Lord had her locked in a cell meant to house our worst enemies. I was so afraid, but… that wasn't all I felt. If that had been all, then I might have kept my emotions, because fear is a tool when wielded correctly, but when I saw him… Merlin it hurt, my heart felt like it was trying to rip itself free from my chest.

Mother doesn't know this secret, no one does, although a few suspect. Severus has told me a time or two that it's unusual for two people to hate each other so much, of course he was saying it as praise, but for a moment my heart had stopped and I thought perhaps he had discovered the truth. Severus and I are much alike, so if anyone ever stumbled on the truth it would be him. I know Severus was a spy, knew it all along, because I saw the picture he kept, keeps, in his bottom drawer, the one framed in a wreath of flowers that are only still in tact because of multiple preserving charms and potions. I never knew for sure who the woman in the picture was till I met a boy in the robe shop and found myself in love with those almost familiar green eyes.

Severus loved Lily Evans, and yet if not for him she would still be alive. Severus probably loved her at first sight, but then they went to school and she was sorted into a different house, and she made different friends, and he was consumed by jealousy and anger and hurt. Like a true Slytherin he hid the emotions he felt, and lashed out at the one he loved, hurting her with his words. and hurt. Like a true Slytherin he hid the emotions he felt, and lashed out at the one he loved, hurting her with his words, until his words didn't seem to have the desired effect so he moved on to hurting her friends, those closest to her, insulting those around her to get a rise out of her. We're so alike, Severus and I, only if he had not been so cruel he might have had a chance at her.

I'll never have a chance at the one I love. Love, yes, Draco Malfoy the ice prince of Slytherin, has a heart, or at least I did. I wonder if perhaps when I turned of my emotions if my heart died then, or if maybe it stopped beating that time, that time in the bathroom when the one that made my heart beat cut me deep, literally and figuratively. He used a slicing hex on me, one of Severus's creations designed to kill with the maximum amount of pain and blood loss without leaving room for a secant attack on the victims part. I would have died, for a secant I did die, my heart stopped beating, but Severus saved me, healed my body, but not my heart.

I think that is enough writing for a day, I'm afraid if I think back on this any longer I might just turn my emotions back on, and I don't want to feel that pain again.

Au Revoir


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Journal

It hurts. The pain is worse than I remember, my heart is screaming in agony. I was finally starting to turn back on, finally allowing myself to feel, if only just a little. I think that back then my fear must have muted some of the pain, because now that I am no longer afraid it hurts so much worse. Potter came up to me, approached me after potions. My heart stuttered when I saw that he was alone, and I noticed the faint blush on his cheeks, and for a single moment I felt hope, and my soul soared with joy, lifted of its heavy burdens, but… then he drew from his pocket his wand. My old wand, the one he took from me, the one he used to kill that monster. He wanted to give it back, like it was still mine to have and use, and he held it out to me and I stared down at it and my heart…. Oh merlin I wish my heart had stopped beating that day so I would have never felt this pain.

To have hope for a single moment to have it come crashing down and to realize that the only reason he would ever approach me is because of his guilt. He feels guilty, I can see it in his eyes, but its written all over his face, his posture. He thinks it's his fault they died, he blames himself for every death, even for my father's, especially for my father's because it was so unnecessary. Potter had already killed the Dark Lord, the war should have ended there, no one should have had to die, but someone from his side still raised their wand, even after the announcement that they had won. Potter was there when my father fell, standing somewhere in the crowd behind me. He heard my mother weep and scream that they never wanted to be a part of this life, that father only ever did those things to try and protect us. Mother blamed them for all the wicked things we had done, said that it was their fault Slytherins only had one choice, follow the Dark Lord. Potter heard it and it was obvious he thought mother was blaming him alone, not the entire Order.

I looked down at that wand, and for a moment I remembered how it had made me feel when I first held it in my hand. I had felt powerful, I had felt like I could do anything, be anyone, but as I reached out my hand and touched the still familiar wood, I felt nothing but the pain, the pain of knowing that I can never have the things I truly want most in the world. I flinched away and snarled something, to the effect that it was no longer mine, before turning and fleeing. I ran back to the Slytherin dorms, grabbed my things and fled the castle. I couldn't handle being in the place I had once felt safe, the place where I had taken away my own safety by letting them in. I almost went home, to Malfoy Manor, but then I remembered what had happened there, and oh Merlin it hurts.

Somehow Pansy and Blaise found me, I think she was shopping for her sister's birthday and had dragged him along, since they were an item now. When they passed the alleyway I was lying in, they must have seen my hair. They took one look at me, my tear stained face, and next thing I know they're ushering me into a floo connected to a bar in France. The three of us use to go to that bar any time Pansy or Blaise got dumped, I'd never really been in a relationship and I think they both suspected I was in love with one person, because I had never slept with either of them, no matter how many times they offered. At some point during the war, they had gotten together and they were a perfect match, and the ring on Pansy's finger only made me cry harder and I told them, told them I would never have that. I didn't tell them who, or what or why till I got to my eighth shot of fire whisky, and by then I was to plowed to care that I had just given two of the most cunning people I knew something they could use against me. Pansy had promised she wouldn't tell before she left for some appointment, and Blaise started drinking with me. Telling me how sorry he was, that he didn't know. Soon we were both drunk off our asses, and I'm not exactly sure what all went on after that, I only remember waking up on the floor of Pansy's flat, with a pain in my chest, a physical one. When I finally extracted my face from the floor and found a mirror, I hadn't actually been shocked at what I saw, it made sense.

My mother of course was furious and had only taken one look at the tattoo before leaving the room. Severus had looked closer, and he must have seen the designs within the design, because he looked up at me with sad knowing eyes. My mother raged and screamed and wanted to know why on earth I would let any more ink be added to my perfect skin. I told her the truth, that my skinned was already marred, I was already ruined. Then I grabbed my things and headed back to Hogwarts, I didn't even need to take a hangover potion before I went to class, rubbing my chest I contemplated the mark of our connection right above my heart. A Dragon, the color of his eyes, but what really intrigued me was the design within the design. The white of the underbelly was vaguely in the shape of a lily. The cracked crest on the dragon's chest, only someone with a good eye would notice that it was a mix between two different crests, my own house and his.

Even though I swore never to drink again, never to make such stupid mistakes again, I still couldn't regret it.

Au Revoir


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Journal

My mother still isn't 'speaking' to me. Of course she has felt the need to write to all of my friends, and Severus, ordering them to make sure I didn't do anything so stupid again. When she sent Pansy a box of my favorite chocolates and ordered her not to share any with me, I felt a small rise of anger but it passed. When I received a request from Madam Pomfrey to come see her I was never the less on edge, and when she mentioned my mother had wrote expressing concern that I may be in need of a mind healer, I definitely felt more than just a flare of anger, and I had never before in my life felt the _need_ to rebel against my parents.

The benefit of having spent most of my life with not one but two potion masters, (oh yes my mother had other talents besides being able to control us Malfoy men) was that I could brew almost any potion with my eyes closed. I decided that if I was going to go back on my oath not to drink, why not make a huge mistake of it. So I brew up a batch of liquor that would make fire-whisky seem like pumpkin juice, while at the same time mixing in a few extra ingredient so I could actually stay drunk for a while without passing out. I initially planned to wait, to test it out on a few others before I tried it out myself, but then Pansy found out and said if the whole batch wasn't gone in the morning she would turn me in to Severus. So I got Blaise and Nott to join me for a round, and it was remarkable how with only a shot we were all just as drunk as if we had drank an entire bottle of fire-whisky. The problem of course was there was no way we could drink the whole batch ourselves, and there was no way I was going to pour out the concoction I had put so much effort into.

Somehow we ended up at a party in the Ravenclaw dorms. I think Blaise suggested it when we took our second shot. I was definitely at least on my fourth when I saw a familiar red head, one that defiantly did not belong to a Ravenclaw approaching. "Ginerva!? Aren't you a little young to be at a party with liquor?"

Nott elbowed me in the guts and Blaise said, "Be nice to the pretty lady Malfoy, or she might go to one of the professors and ruin our fun."

I remember groaning and taking another shot, which hit me a lot harder than the rest. I vaguely recall that Ginerva took a shot, then got us all started on some muggle game called truth or dare. I remember deciding that truth was a horrible option, because all of the questions where about really personal things I had no intention of sharing, and I was drunk enough to worry I might slip and actually tell the truth. I never thought to just not play the game. I just picked dare, and next thing I knew I was I was in the middle of the lake and the sun was coming up, and I was still buzzed, but no longer so drunk that I couldn't think rationally.

I was terribly worried as I swam to shore what I would find, and almost swam back out when I found Loony Luna sitting on a branch in a tree just a few inches from my robes. Luckily I had kept the rest of my clothes on and I quickly located my wand in my back pocket. As I got to a point where I could finally stand, Luna called out, "I think you might want to accio your broom before it gets stuck somewhere in the forbidden forest."

I frowned, because I was pretty sure I had left my broom at the manor and swore off flying altogether. When Luna saw my face she said, "Well maybe it wasn't your broom, but you ought to get it back either way."

I wasn't sure I could accio a broom I didn't remember, but I tried anyway, and my eyes widened when the broom came speeding towards me. I was so shocked to see that particular firebolt, the one I would recognize no matter what, flying towards me, that I forgot to cancel the spell and the damn thing slammed into me, knocking me into shallower water and onto my ass. Luna didn't laugh surprisingly, and I recalled that she was somewhat friends with Potter. "Do you think you could return this for me? I'm not sure how I got it, but I'm certain you will be far more welcome in Gryffindor Tower than me right now."

Luna frowned and said, "I'm not sure why you wouldn't be welcome, Sir Knight told me how you practically charmed the Fat Lady right out of her skirt… but I was planning to go see Neville anyway so I don't mind taking it back for you. Who's broom is it?"

I pulled a glob of mud and sticks from my hair with no small share of disgust and said, "I'm pretty sure it's Potter, and I'm not sure how I got a hold of it, but I'm sure their bound to be some bad fireworks when the Golden Trio find out."

Luna hummed and jumped down, she somehow managed to avoid the mud I had landed in, while also getting close enough to grab the broom carefully. Luna was several feet away when she said, "You should probably get your head looked at." I felt a rise of anger, but then she added, "That's a nasty looking cut and I think it might get infected."

That's when I noticed how terrible my head was throbbing, and when I reached up to touch it I winced, and when I pulled my hand away, there was blood mixed in with all the mud. I groaned and made the rest of the way to dry land. I did about a dozen cleansing spells before I accioed my robes and headed up to the castle. As I made my way towards it I noticed it wasn't just my head that was throbbing, my ribs were aching and the more I walked the more my ankle screamed at me. I could have tried to sneak into my room and just drink some home brewed healing potion, but I was a little worried that Luna was right, no way the water and mud from the lake could have done the cut good.

So that's how I ended up having another painful conversation with Madam Pomfrey about the potential of seeing a mind healer. I'll admit, perhaps if I hadn't been such a bloody arse to her she probably would have given me the good healing potions instead of bandaging me up like a muggle and sending me on my way with a stern order not to go for another swim in the lake. Like I was planning to do that again, really?

Anyway, as it was I ended up being late to potions, and it wasn't till I saw Pansy and Blaise look all wide eyed and worried that I realized I probably looked a fright. Of course just to make my morning even better, I started to feel the effects of the hangover just as Severus decided to be an arse and assign us all partners, which meant I got teamed up with Potter. Potter who glared at me with such hate that it made me wince. I tried to play it off as being because of my ankle, which was in some sort of muggle brace, which was bulky and was already starting to itch. I swear Potter was doing everything in his power to botch the potion, and although I managed to keep it on the right track for some time, when Potter added some random ingredient it literally blew up in our faces.

Potter looked livid, but surprisingly Granger, who had been walking by to get to her desk with some ingredient, came to my aid, "Really Harry, were you trying to kill everyone, adding eye of newt to this potion. You can't prove he took your broom so now your going to kill us all in potions."

Potter looked a bit sheepish, and Blaise, who was doing who knows what, overheard and snorted, "Merlin, you really did it! Bloody idiot now I have to go on a date with Ginny. Mother will kill me if I give her red-headed grandchildren!"

Of course Weasley overheard and socked Blaise in the face, right when Severus came over. He took more points than ever recorded from Gryffindor and sent me and Blaise back to the infirmary, what since Blaise had what looked like a broken nose, and some of the potion had burnt my arm. Such a remarkable morning, and I still hadn't eaten breakfast. At least this time around it seems Madam Pomfrey was obligated to give me the good stuff. Bad news is the stuff is going to knock me off my ass for the rest of the day.

I swear I will _never_ drink again.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Journal

Madam Pomfrey is almost as evil and conniving as my mother, and now the two of them are working together. I have been trapped in the infirmary for three days, and my arm and my head wound and my ankle, everything I had gone to the infirmary for, was still hurting and it didn't look like she had done anything but use muggle supplies on me. That dreadful woman, and now, even though I was healed enough naturaly I could probably get around with a bit of aid from a pain potion, I got a letter from my mother, saying if I don't consent to see a mind healer the school was providing, then she would give Madam Pomfrey reason to keep me locked away in the dreadful infirmary.

Any attempt at negotiations was rendered moot when my mother revealed that Pansy had somehow acquired magical photographs of that horrible night. So I agreed to see this wonderful mind healer who had received remarkable reviews, and Madam Pomfrey finally gave me some decent pain killers as she patched my up one more time before sending me out into the cruel hall of the castle. When I came to the exit and discovered Pansy waiting for me, I glared at the traitorous wench and said, "Right now I'd rather play nice with the Golden Trio than see your face Pansy!"

Pansy looked at though I had just slapped her and then she said, "I'm sorry Draco, but I agree with your mother, I think you need to see a mind healer, and I'm here to take you to an appointment with the one here at Hogwarts."

I managed to convince her that I needed to get to my room and change out my clothes first, and then I wrote this in the hopes of getting rid of some of my anger, because I doubt hexing Pansy's face off will do me any good. Besides Pansy said I should bring this stupid journal and tell the mind healer about it, and get their impression. That is not going to happen though because I would rather get slashed!

Au Revoir


End file.
